Last bowl!

August 2, 2013

Before the last surgery I cooked and froze some of the Deepto’s favorite dishes. Both parents don’t complain about food, maybe that’s why he also walks on the same path! It’s very easy to cook his favorite dishes. When I cook his favorite dishes, or it is bought, he says “Thank you” to us so many times! I didn’t teach him to do that. While cooking those dishes I was thinking when will I be able to cook again? …………… Will ever be able to cook? If I don’t come back? …………… If I don’t come back will he be able to eat those dishes ever? What will he think when he will finish the last bowl? ……………….”

No I came back! Time to time give him those frozen dishes. Today took out the last two bowls. Two small bowls contain Polao. Like most of the young he likes it very much. Cooked it very simply. I always cook simply, healthy way. Bangladeshi or Bengali people may think after eating my cooked dishes that how come I fight cancer when my dishes are healthy?! Forget it. Since my middle school I started cooking, sometimes for fun and other times for necessity. For the last twenty one years, it’s a regular thing. Cooked so many different dishes for so many years but never took any pictures of those. This time I cooked and took pictures! Thought, maybe some time Deepto will look at those pictures and think, Ma used to cook those!”

Now people in Bangladesh are recognizing that cooking is an art! They think is there any woman who can’t cook? Or take it for granted that women must know how to cook! I started teaching Mizan some of Deepto’s favorite dishes. Mizan cooks whenever it’s necessary. His cooking is good. But it’s not a regular thing. I didn’t let it happen. Couple of days ago I told dad and son while smiling, “For the last almost twenty one years I am cooking regularly. Now it’s your turn (told Mizan).” Told Deepto, “Your turn will come too.” 

While visiting Alaska once I told Deepto, “I wish you will visit these places with your children.” He said, “I will bring you two too.” Once I told him, “What your dad is doing for you, us is incomparable. It’s very rare. Remember it forever, will take care of dad.” Once while talking like these he said, “Ma you are talking like you are going somewhere!” After that I use words more carefully! The main thing is what I say. Not how I say!


July 28, 2013

After nine days using Facebook again. Coming back from a different world. Returning from a very beautiful place of nature. For many years wanted to go, regretted for not going in last summer, at last went to Alaska! The earth is so beautiful but how many people remember that! If people remember that their mind must become beautiful. I love mountains. Watched mountains, glaciers, ocean, fishes (especially salmon), black bear, caribou, moose, elk, birds, flowers (especially wild ones), seals, otter, sea lion, bald eagle, porpoise, whales (orca and humpback), culture of different tribes of Native Americans, museums! Moved by many different emotions! Saying in a short today, the last humpback was dancing (or jumping) such a way for so long that it seemed like it won’t end ever! And the boat was following it such a way that it seemed like it would take us to the deep sea! It felt like we the people on the boat (from different places, different races, different kinds) came from a different planet to it’s kingdom! Human beings think the earth is only for them! The earth is not just for human beings. Why human beings think themselves as the king of the earth! And if they think like that it’s their responsibility to take care of the earth!

Zero tolerance!

July 8, 2013

Nobody has the right to beat you……….. You may be a child, girl, teenager, young lady, middle age woman, old woman. And he is your dad, brother, boyfriend, husband, son ………… anybody. If you aren’t an adult and you don’t understand things, it’s their responsibility to teach you. If you are an adult and they are saying that you aren’t understanding, tell them why you aren’t understanding the way they want you to and let them know your views. If they still say you don’t understand, tell them “Leave me alone with my views. Everybody’s understanding isn’t the same. If you can take who I am, walk with me, even the path is different. If can’t take it don’t block the path. Nobody has the right to shut down my path.”

You are educated, working, responsible for everything of the family, from giving birth to raise the children, satisfy every need of the husband and that “you” get beaten?! Why?! He told you that you can’t do anything without his support! And without him your children would live a miserable life. Tell me, does “father” mean a monster? He isn’t a monster? May be not in your eyes! Ask your children what (s)he sees in him, a human or a monster. There is no great sacrifice for your children by getting abused by him. Sorry to say the truth. Your children pity you, not respect you. Those who can’t respect themselves don’t get respect from others. Even from their own children. Tell me now, what do you want? Respect or pity or even hatred? Yes sometimes you could get hatred by sleeping with that monster. Thinking, when your son grows up he will be a better human being. By strange human psychology there is a big chance that he will follow his dad’s footsteps! And wishing that your daughter wouldn’t get your bad luck! There is a big chance if she gets your luck she will follow your path! She will tolerate the abuse like you! She watched her mom’s sacrifice! See, what your sacrifice brings in future! Still you won’t stand up?! After all these you won’t tell, “You have no right to beat me.” Won’t you stop the hand which abuses you? Why? What’s in him who is abusing, breaking, molding as his own taste, and sucking the life out from you by the name of children, love, family, society, culture, and religion? Please for your sake stand up for once! Show him your strength. More than that show it to yourself how strong, courageous you are! ……………… I am waiting!

He doesn’t beat you? Not any more now? “Just” mental abuse? Is mental abuse any less than physical abuse? Let me tell you, if you don’t let your children know that still (s)he knows it! Will know it! The result will be like tolerating physical abuse! Don’t spoil your children’s life with yours! If father is a monster, would children’s life would be normal if you stay with him? I am tired of listening to your stories, how many more stories do I have to listen?! Why won’t I hear the stories of standing up, protesting against? When will I have time to hear the stories of illiterate, jobless, no place to go women?!

I have itchy feet!

May 28, 2013

My mind always wonder ……………. after leaving birth country it’s been a habit…….. Time to time visit places. It started while living in Japan for one and half years. After that had a break for Mizan’s graduate school, my graduate school, Deepto’s birth. Then started again when Deepto was eight months old. Most of the time it was by car. Mizan drove all the places that we visited. By the 1996 Corolla we bought in 1997, we visited South down to San Diego up to Victoria, Canada. While we lived in the East Coast for little over one year, we visited South down to Florida, Alabama, Tennessee, and to North up to Toronto, Ottawa, Montreal. Moved back to West coast again by car. Mizan drove from Massachusetts, took a detour to South to visit Colorado! Got sick, had the leg surgery (sarcoma), walked with cane for months ………. had a break. Just one month after I got rid of the cane, went to Banff for the second time, Glacier 
National Park in Canada and Montana. After the first lung surgery, deep in mind I thought ……. could I be able again! Near coast and parks ………. were the places to depend on! After came to know that I had to go through the lung surgery again, went to see Vancouver, Canada. After this time’s surgery felt sorry, why didn’t I agree to visit Alaska last summer! How could I thought that I would be little bit better in future! Once told that I want to visit Antelope Canyon if possible. Mizan immediately bought the plane tickets and arranged everything before I changed my mind!

For the last three days visited Zion National park, Bryce canyon. Went to those places for the first time eleven years ago! Every moment remembered that how young Deepto was at that time! He wanted to go to the small mountain river in Zion! Have one picture where I was holding him by pulling his sweater! This time he was holding my hand so that I don’t fall on the stones!

Last time he ran on the snow, Mizan was pulling him! To see the Horseshoe spot in Glenn
Canyon at Page, I had to walk on the hot sands……….. Sometimes was thinking if I had made a mistake! Had no plan to walk so didn’t take snickers. Hot sand was entering in my shoes, burning hot sun was above our head, didn’t wear any socks because of hot weather! The road was sloppy! It was very hard to walk up hill because of my lungs condition! Hot sun above us, hot sand in my shoes and the uphill road! Since I come downstairs in the morning and go upstairs at night these days. 

People were crazy to take pictures at the edge of the cliff! I have acrophobia. One of the pictures I took someone’s feet was showing at the very end of the edge! While walking back Mizan forced me to wear his socks! Rushed to see Antelope Canyon right after that. Rode on a small truck (open sided) with other visitors and the Navajo driver/tour guide. At eleven in the morning the light is better in the canyon. We didn’t get the tickets for that time, have to book at that time long ago. At four in the afternoon, the light was less in the canyon. Again the sand but not hot this time! Took pictures almost in the dark, had many visitors of many groups. In some place the canyon is so narrow that one person can barely go through! People from other group were coming from the opposite side. Had to hug the canyon walls to let them go through! Had to be very careful about Deepto and Mizan so they didn’t bang their heads while saving my own! One place like that I was taking pictures while moving backward and fell against the wall! Got hurt because I fall down on the rock walls but immediately stood up. Only Deepto, Mizan and an elderly British lady saw it! Good that didn’t get hurt on head or my back (I have big scars from the two surgeries on my back)! Came back by touching the walls of the canyon and saying, “Good Bye!”

Rode back on the truck on the sandy, rocky road with bumps, the wind threw sands on our body and face ……… thanked the Navajo lady guide for taking several pictures for me! Deepto’s allergy bothered him a lot, still he thanked parents for taking him to the tour like other times! That old Toyota was parked in the long-term airport parking, since the parking lot is in the open air didn’t keep the newer car! Told Mizan while coming back home that he can’t drive the old car before washing it. Yesterday once thought that we have to say “goodbye” to this old car! Today I am thinking, how I could think that! It’s not just the vehicle which took us so many places, but it’s a part of history! Even though it’s of the very simple people like us!


May 4, 2013

Since yesterday a picture is staying with me ………….. in the rubbles of Savar tragedy1 ………. very long hair is hanging, since it’s the back of the head can’t see the face. At a little bit distance, a pair of jeans (legs of another person) is seen. Even though the picture was taken far away, I could identify those. Someone posted it on Facebook. Watched it on TV also for a glance. For the last several days watched many pictures! I am thinking about the rescuers. Not sure even if they get long time counselling, they would be all right! Who will remember these common people (actually they are extraordinary people)? Can’t counselors give volunteering service to these people? These people aren’t financially capable of getting counselling. Those who risked their own life to rescue others, find dead bodies, can’t others stand by them?

Feeling so awful after the Savar tragedy, thought it so many times ………… still thinking, what’s the meaning of life? In this world, in every civilization, for the sake of some very reach people’s luxurious life style, labor class will live like inhuman! And time to time they will die this tragic death. The word should be “get killed” not “die”. Each civilization is standing on their dead bodies. There is no place for them in the history. History is written to praise the kings and queens! Taj Mahal, Great Wall of China, Pyramids……………….. All of this history was written, but the bloody stories of laborers are never written! The story of Bangladesh’s becoming developing country from under developed country is being told again and again with pride, but it’s never been told whose bloody sacrifices are doing it! The modern day slavery in Middle Eastern countries, European countries are never been told……….. It’s been called “remittance”!! Poor, illiterate village girls become “garments workers” instead of “house maids”; but their “luck” doesn’t change! Whole day and night the machines make noises in the four walls of the unhealthy environment of the garments factories. The bank balance of the owners get higher and higher, the luxury of the European and American retail owners get higher and higher! Some people enjoy the luxury of living in the Middle East, Europe, and America while living in Bangladesh! It’s true if those girls didn’t get the jobs as garments workers they had to get married at very early age, had children at their teens and many of them were left behind their husbands and ultimately would become burdens on their parents. It’s also true that now they are earning and supporting not only themselves but also supporting their families in the villages. Because of them their younger siblings are getting education. This is really good especially for the girls. But at the cost of their tremendous sacrifice. They are under­-paid. To make a shirt sold at about $20 in the U.S.A. at the retail stores they are getting the least payment. Thinking what is “luck”?! And what makes it?! Our memory is like gold fishes memory! That’s why we shed couple of drops of tears, donate some money and then forget. And because we forget these happen again and again! Many get busy to become those owners, jumping from the middle class! Nobody really thinks about the labors, if anyone thinks, it’s just at the times like these tragedies!

1. Savar tragedy claimed 1,129 lives in 24 April, 2013 when a garments factory collapsed in Savar, Bangladesh due to structural failure

Justice for war criminals of Liberation War of Bangladesh

February 12, 2013

Can’t emotion and logic co­-exist? Can. Something may happen if they do. Only emotion can’t give almost anything. Again only logic can’t bring that much. To see something neutrally have to have balance of emotion. The young generation of Shahbag what they are doing today is having the balance between emotion and logic. There is logic that’s why they are neutral, they are emotional that’s why they are demanding justice. As a nation we are emotional people. That’s why we have glorious past. We have the Language movement of 1952, we have the Liberation War of Independence of 1971. Again because of too much emotion and lack of logic it’s taking forty-two years to bring justice to war criminals (rajakars).

If relatives, friends, society, state, government didn’t forget the inhuman deeds of the traitors (rajakars) would they (rajakars, Jamat­Shibir) be able to show this much violence today? A logical mind knows whoever is the criminal (mass killer, rapist) must get punished. To say the word boldly, logical mind never differentiates if the killer, rapist is related to him/her or not. Even though he/she can judge himself/herself. Our previous generation brought us the great Liberation, the country Bangladesh; they failed to bring justice to the traitors. Almost all of us followed them too. That’s why made friendship, relationship with the traitors (rajakars). Does it make any difference only I myself stay away from those?! If my generation did it as a whole! I ask everyone to make balance between emotion and logic. Only then something could be done.

February 20, 2013
Demanding death penalty for the war criminals of the Liberation War of Bangladesh, 1971. I believe only victims and their family members have the ultimate right to ask for death penalty for other types of killings (all sorts). But for this cause all the Bangladeshi people have the right to ask for the death penalty. I still can’t understand how a government (West Pakistan, now Pakistan) committed genocide on its own people (then East Pakistan now Bangladesh) by playing the religious card?! When the British left the Indian sub­continent, they did one of the most heinous and criminal act. They divided it into two parts by using the religious card. As a result they made India and Pakistan. Pakistan was formed with two parts physically apart by thousand miles away. Then West Pakistan and East Pakistan (now Bangladesh) has only one thing was common, majority people’s religion was Islam. When India and Pakistan was formed, a very pathetic thing in history took place in 1947. Huge number of forced migration happened in the history of the world. Many Hindus from Bangladesh were forced to migrate to West Bengal (India). Which brought an inhuman legacy to so many lives, families forever. The Muslims of Bangladesh who supported to be part of Pakistan came to understand their biggest mistake in the history within very short time. Even though by the number of citizens West Pakistan was the minority (have different ethnic groups, different languages, totally different culture etc), it ruled East Pakistan (now Bangladesh) very discriminating way. They totally abused the power. At midnight on 25th of March in 1971, Pakistani government committed genocide by killing totally unarmed sleeping citizens of East Pakistan (now Bangladesh). They continued the genocide for the next nine months! They wanted to wipe out the Bengali ethnic group! They used the religious card to motivate their army by telling that all the people (Bengali) were or became Hindus. They not only targeted Hindus but killed Muslims and all other religions people. They killed three million people in nine months and tortured so many others. Raped two to four hundreds of thousands women ages ranging from little girls to old ladies who were even in their eighties! They used rape as a tool to make ethnic cleansing!

For the global politics now and then the history of this genocide and rape were and are always kept in the shadow. Till now global politics plays a role even in the demand of bringing justice to the war crimes committed by the traitors. Their political group Jamaat­e-­Islami (Jamaat) and their students group Shibir (formed after 1971) have lobbyists all over the world! They get sponsored by many Muslim countries (who have money and global political power because of oil!). Money buys almost everything! They convinced many human rights groups that Bangladeshis are doing wrong by bringing justice to theses criminals. Many groups are saying that demanding death penalty is wrong! In Bangladesh there is death penalty like many other countries (like USA). Unfortunately the opposition party (B.N.P. which was born after the killing of the leader of the Liberation War in 1975 committed by some military personnel) has a tie to Jamaat and is not supporting the judgement of the war criminals. No wonder why! Jamaat has spent (still spending) huge money to save its leaders and members, who were war criminals, by using all global, internal political connections! And unfortunately almost all the powerful countries are on their side! I wonder why “humanity” sometimes sleeps and sometimes stays fully awake! Those human rights groups totally forget that still war criminals of the second world war are brought to justice! Sometimes justice, humanity becomes chosen words for some and not for others! Only death penalty can bring justice to the war criminals of Bangladesh. If they aren’t given death penalty (who earned it) and are given prison times (even for life) will be released when the opposition (B.N.P.) comes in power. That’s why people are demanding it. My question to all the human rights groups, who are opposing the death penalty: you see the rights of the war criminals but don’t see the three million dead people’s rights and two to four hundred thousand brutally gang­-raped women’s rights?! Where were you when they were committing these!?


December 14, 2012

Columbine massacre happened in 1999. This thing is increasing in this country and rest of world. Today’s massacre happened in an elementary school. People are saying, “What’s going on?” They are remembering the shopping mall shooting in Oregon couple of days ago. Common people and specialists will give opinions. Can’t we be more concerned about what children, teenagers are going through, learning, seeing, listening and what will be the results of it? How many parents and guardians are really concerned about what types of video games, which movies, what type of music their children are playing, watching, listening? Gave Deepto permission to watch Lincoln after talking to him. One of his friends parent said that his/her child watched PG­13 movie before (the child is not thirteen). Deepto said that some of his friends watch R rated movies! Some of his friends even watched some movies which their parents haven’t seen! Some children may be mature enough at an earlier age to handle things properly or they may seem like. But my thinking is, what’s wrong to wait for the right age! Can anyone guarantee that it won’t harm them if children are being exposed to something not at the right age? Do people really think that violent games, movies don’t make any impact on children? People need to stop living in denial. If we pay attention to those massacres, we can see that there were some warning signs. If children have some kind of mental challenge parents should address it. Mental diseases are like other diseases which need treatment.

Also it’s overdue to do something about gun control in this country. There are so many examples of showing that countries which have strict gun control laws have fewer massacres, shooting sprees, killings. It’s very hard to do something in this country regarding this issue. The NRA have so much power! Almost everything is related or tied to politics! When talking about underdeveloped or developing countries, people use the word “bribe” and when it’s about developed, rich, powerful countries, the word is “lobbying!” The makers of the violent video games, movies, music, guns won’t do anything. It’s us the consumers who could or try to do something. It’s too late for the children and their families of today’s tragedy!


December 30, 2012


To utter the word rape many people are unwilling. How many people say that in 1971 Pakistani soldiers and their collaborators raped 200,000 to 400,000 women?! In history how many places these women’s tales are told? Didn’t we keep them away from family, society, history by giving them the name “Birangona?? Rape is the outcome of not giving a human being the status of not only human being but also any living being. Since women are the most victims of rape, that’s why talking about rape of women, not denying or forgetting raped men. Since the history of mankind every female since early childhood till death faces the risk of being raped. The probability starts from own home, family; is there any place, country free of this risk? In Bangladesh and many countries how raped women are treated? Whenever a rape case is known, people start asking so many questions, pointing fingers to the victim’s attitude, lifestyle, even dress up! Does anyone ask question once who are the rapists, what’s happening to bring them to justice? Most of the times raped women are forgotten in the family and society. In 1971 this happened. Those 200,00 to 400,000 raped by Pakistani soldiers and their collaborators were left by their families, society and also by the state! They were forgotten, wished they were dead or never existed! In Bangladesh there is honor killing like many countries! This is not limited to only Muslim families.

An woman living in this country for many years said that one cause of this country’s women being raped is their clothes! I asked her what are the causes of women being raped in Pakistan, Afghanistan, Middle East and like countries? She took the conversation to different things. I couldn’t say, what type of clothes Bangladeshi women wore in 1971? I see this ridiculous thinking among many highly educated, well established women! What else to say about men? Though it is parent/guardian’s duty to teach children (especially male) that don’t judge anyone by that person’s clothes. If someone wears short, revealing dress don’t think bad of that person, nobody has the right to misbehave with that person. When children are a bit older must tell them that nobody has the right to rape anyone. Nobody has the right to rape girlfriend or wife.

When someone says “No”, it’s the ultimate no. Once I told these things to a Bangladeshi woman, she just looked at me for a while and said, many Bangladeshi women wouldn’t understand my words, that husbands can rape wives. When wife is not willing that’s rape. Men’s understanding is so far away! My question is how far away? We understand rocket science, brain surgery, some of us do these (in profession) but we don’t understand, believe in the full rights of women! So often we protest, demand for rights of so many things but keep silent for the rights of mothers, sisters, wives, daughters, girlfriends, unknown women! We write in newspapers, on Facebook for the gang-raped girl in Delhi (of course we must write) but keep quiet about the raped native girl in our own birth land! Why don’t we protest for each rape victim? Why don’t we find out the rapists? Why don’t we bring justice to each rape victim?!

Fight! Fight! Fight!

December 2, 2012

At least for once wanting to do something crazy …………. like skydiving, bungee jumping (even though I have acrophobia)! Or driving a racing car! Deepto asked not to do these even though it sound like fun. I said that he can’t do it, I am talking about myself. He said, “Don’t be selfish. You are not allowing me to do it when I will be an adult but you are talking doing it by yourself!” I told him, “For once I want to be selfish. Always I think about others first.” At least for once I want to do something without thinking about others ……….. I can travel many places ………… I can tell my surgeon, “No, I am not having surgery anymore” ……….. I can stop seeing oncologist, surgeon, doctors ………….. I can just read books ……….. just listen to music …………. But I can’t do so many things …………………… A cancer fighter can’t count his/her age …………… (s)he has to count his/her children’s age!

January 25, 2013

After a long time watched Grey’s anatomy. Used to watch E.R. regularly. If ignore the romance part, many things could be learnt from these shows especially who doesn’t have medical science background. Sometimes these shows become too dramatic, otherwise people wouldn’t watch. But life itself bigger than fiction!

Today met my surgeon and fixed the surgery date. He said himself, “next Thursday is too early.” I told him earlier that Deepto’s birthday is on next week. The week after surgeon has vacation. So had to agree on twenty-first of February! The International Mother Language day! (This day became after the language movement of Bangladesh in 1952. The movement happened when the then West Pakistan Government declared that only Urdu should be the official language of Pakistan (West and East Pakistan, later East became Bangladesh in 1971, after a bloody Liberation War). My surgeon’s surgery day is on Thursday, that’s why. since one of the spot grew bigger in the last two and half months he doesn’t want to wait anymore. Neither do I. Deepto and Mizan are asking me again and again, actually they are asking themselves, whether I am ready for the surgery again! They still remember the agony I went through just over a year ago for the last surgery! I told Deepto that when someone has no option rather than taking the difficult decision, has to deal with it with courage. Life is not just a journey, it’s a personal journey indeed. If someone’s life becomes upside down or standstill, even then nothing stops! And the stunned person has to function “normal”. Because life doesn’t give that person a break too! One of my close friends, who has another type of fight to fight, asks me: where do I get this strength? Another close friend when came to know about the surgery (who watched my sufferings very closely before) asked me how do I still laugh? I was laughing for something else after I told her the surgery date. Strength comes when thinking, feeling of others pain!

March 4, 2013
21st February before the sunrise, repetition of fifteen months ago ………….. said bye to Deepto, Mizan, Udoy, Aman and went to the OT. Little different this time, surgery is not two but on one lung. After several hours (four hours surgery, hours on ventilator) opened eyes. (Last time the surgery was for eight hours, stayed on ventilator for more hours) ………… Thin leaned nurse James trying to control pain. This time asked the pain management team not to give narcotics. Don’t want the same horrible experience of last time. Generally doctors tell patients, “Sorry don’t have many options to help you.” In my case it’s the opposite. I say doctors, “Sorry you have few options to help me.” (Allergic to main pain medications, others make me more sick). This time it was decided that I would take epidural until the drainage tubes are taken out.

Once James asked, “Are you religious?” I said no. Wondered why did he ask? Later thought that it may help nurses if they have some idea of patients. Specially at I.C.U. …………. Sitting on a small chair and put feet another small one Udoy (he is a tall guy) stayed three nights in a row! This time I was kept in cardiac I.C.U. Deepto doesn’t want to stay at home without his dad at night. During the day time Mizan and Deepto or Aman stayed alternatively. Even among this, asked Udoy and Aman if people are still in Shahbag or not?

Blood pressure is dropping ………… dropping … 40/40+! James asked, “Do you have objection to take blood?” (I think for religious reason some people don’t want it). I said no. Those who donated three bags of blood, I thanked them in my mind. First ever to get blood. This time lost a lot of blood. Also always anemic. Like James, Anshu is another nurse. Will remember both of them. James was there for two nights. Before he left said, “Hope this time you will get better fully. You are still young, understand it?” (He was younger than me). Introduced four guys (whoever was staying at the time) to Anshu and smiled and said, “All are guys. All of my doctors (except one) are men too.” He joked and said, “Nurses are male too!” People say my brothers, brother-­in-­law and of course husband do such a great job helping me during and after surgery that many sisters wouldn’t be able to do that! I don’t have any sister.

After staying in ICU for four days, went to room. Seeing some known faces (of nurses) of the last time. Favorite Lotti, Angie and others………….. The person I never wanted to meet again as my nurse, that Daniela was there at the very first night! Last time a nurse gave me wrong injection without checking my chart and it was so painful …………. felt like I was having heart attack. Came to know that medical professionals are so afraid of suing in this country that while I was in such pain and asking for a doctor desperately but nobody was even coming closer to me! All were looking through the window! I was screaming for help and they were standing there! The nurse who was at fault was there and after a while her superior (Daniela) came. Daniela not only tried to deny the fact but also said bad things about me (If I was a mentally unstable person or not). My brother heard it.

Later saw her very bad behavior with other nurses. The wrongs were done (so many times and by several nurses) to me was told to my surgeon and higher officials by me. They came to me and I told them what happened for the last eight days (my surgeon was off duty for several days’ right after my surgery day. It was the biggest mistake I have ever made. Shouldn’t have the surgery right before my surgeon’s off duty days) without telling the names. I knew they would be fired that’s why. So many people told me that I could sue if I wanted. I know that. I just smile. I don’t want any revenge on anybody. Else I would have sued my then PCP. I showed her the tiny lump on my leg and she ignored it. She never told me to keep an eye on it. She said it’s just a fat tissue. And I waited almost a year. When it started growing rapidly I wanted to see her. She wasn’t there. I saw her group partner. He asked me to see a surgeon (luckily he referred me to the right one) without any concern too. The surgeon got suspicious at the very first moment even though his group partner had no concern. He even made a bet of a beer with my surgeon…………… Had the surgery (leg surgeon was different one then the lungs surgeon of course!), it was soft tissue sarcoma………… Then had radiation for seven weeks, five days a week. ……….regular CT scan, M.R.I……………… The spots on lungs …………. numbers were increasing ………………. after four years the sizes were increased………….. So tiny that needle biopsy wasn’t possible …………… after one year they grew again………….. Surgeon said can’t wait any longer ………… had the surgery on both lungs at the same time which is very rare………….. Suffered so much during the recovery ………. after two months another two spots were seen …………… kept an eye on those (regular CT scan) ………… after a year those grew again ……………. had the surgery again (on right lungs this time) ………… nothing would have happened “If” my then PCP had paid attention and did the right thing! A tiny bit of negligence of doctors can destroy patient’s and their families’ life forever!

When Daniela came as a nurse for me this time I was thinking, “How much do I have to take or see?” Wow! At the very first moment she started addressing me, “honey,” “sweetie,” “darling,” and such a care! Udoy said certainly she had to go through trainings (after my previous surgery). Last time I didn’t tell her name (not anybody’s name) but the officials must have identified her and others. I wanted this. I didn’t want anyone to lose job. I wanted her to learn to treat people better, nice behavior. It worked.

One day I saw some signs and mentioned to the doctors and they became worried. These could happen before or during brain stroke, sometimes as a side effect of some medications. CT scan of head was done. Nothing came out. Now MRI. At midnight when I was taken for MRI, Udoy told me that Saidee (one of the notorious rajakar) got death penalty. I didn’t smile or cry. Saying in my mind, “Every rajakar (war criminals) must be brought to justice.”………………….. It was forty five minutes long MRI. I think I was falling to sleep on and off…………..I think it was the medication ………………… or I got used to these so much! This time among four spots (two were seen on CT scan, others weren’t) two are positive for sarcoma. In almost six years three times biopsy came positive! …………… Rest of the story later, maybe.

March 14, 2013

Came down stairs, went outside after almost two weeks. Had appointment with surgeon. Just before my wheel chair went through elevators, doors started to close………….. People inside seemed like didn’t see! Unintentionally words came out from my mouth, “How rude people can be. Oh, my God!” Don’t say the second sentence usually (in rare cases said it), why did I say it today, don’t know. Saw a woman standing beside me, smiled and showed surprised face like me! After that her and others very good attitude assured me that in that elevator (that left) there were some inhumane people looked like humans!

In life those who are very gentle human beings, my husband and my surgeon are among them. My surgeon thinks us (Mizan and I) are his siblings! He is South Indian. Lost his father at eighteen. His sister was thirteen then. When he finished medical school at Vellore, India lost his mom. Aunt brought him and his sister in London. After that he came to U.S. Sister stayed there. When he was living and working in New York got connected with his classmate from Vellore. Then got married. His mother-­in-­law is Scottish, doctor, went to work with missionaries in Kashmir, India. Met a man from Tibet. Got married. Surgeon’s own mother was brought up in Burma (Myanmar). After listening these, I told him, totally a global family. His sister is very free-spirited person. Didn’t get married. Which worries him a bit.

When this was brought up, I told him, “Let her live what she wants. Let her be happy.” This time when he brought the biopsy result, one of my brothers was with me that time. Last time was  another brother. When we were talking he came to know that my that brother didn’t get married like his sister, I told him that they are younger than us by five years but a bit different from us. When the talk about his sister came, I told him that, through my whole life what I believed became (are becoming) stronger while I started fighting against cancer. The thought is, let people live the way that make them happy unless it hurts anyone.

Three of us (surgeon, my brother and I) spent some time talking about life. When talk about Deepto came, he said, “He will be OK.” Seemed like he assured me from his own experience! Told him about the loss of Mizan’s dad. ……….. At a point while talking about Deepto seemed like his eyes became watery! …………… Today while talking about Deepto, said I talk to so many people, kind of give counseling to so many people and my own son is in such a sorrow! ………He put his hand on my back and said, “He will be OK.”………………… Wish he will be OK. His eyes were watery today too. Those spots didn’t show up in CT scan, he found it by touching, feeling by hands and removed it! How many do surgery with such compassion! Mizan and I only could say, “Thank you very much.”

Wish these exceptional human beings could do such great jobs for long time, stay healthy, be happy, and live a long life! He and Mizan are the same age. These two’s way of talking, attitude, even the style of dressing are so similar that Aman (Mizan’s youngest brother) said, “It seems like you two are brothers!” Amazing human being!

Smell of Life!

November 10, 2012

Just after four a.m. ……”Ma, I am going now ….. everybody is here, Deepto, Mizan, Aman, Udoy.” ………..It’s time to go”… (so quick!)…..”Could you please call my son, I want to see him …….one more time”……… once again held him by one arm (other arm is already taken by needle, saline, machines), gave kisses and smelt him (smell of life, which inspired to fight for the last five years)! ……. Telling thyself, “Just for this smell I will open my eyes” ……. An innocent face of eleven years and his smell ………. pitch dark ….dark ……. dark ….pain …….. severe …… extreme ……….. unbearable ……….. like someone was crushing the heart, lungs, respiratory tube …… crushing everything ………….. that innocent face ……….. “Ma hold my hand ……….. give me your pain” (I myself taught him this game ……… when the nurse was poking him to get his tiny vein when he had a stomach flu couple of years ago, since then it started) ……….. talked in the mind, “I will never give this pain to anyone, certainly never ever to you ……… Is there anyone called God!? ….. Never ever to this child ………. Never to anyone ….. Remember that” ….. pain …………. unbearable ……….. extreme ………….

When did come to space …………. such beautiful stars and planets ………… who are they? Don’t know them ………. Why Udoy’s face is like this? ………… Where are these beasts came from ………. Can you listen me, I am having hallucinations …………. no I will take this pain but don’t want this medication……….. Can smell be this intense!? Can smell the mint mouthwash of the nurse ……….. can smell the hair gel of the doctor ……….. smelling everything ………… smelling medicine extremely from own body ………….. where is my smell of life?! ……….. “How was your day at school” ………. Do your homework here baba …………….. Go have your dinner ……….. the innocent fell asleep on the tiny place ……….. now it’s eleven o’clock …… you guys go home …….. he has school tomorrow ………… started vomiting from midnight ……….. Udoy’s face was helpless ……… “Shall ask them to come …….. “No” ………. Udoy had to catch the flight (to return to his place) …………. Tanmoy came just after half an hour later ………… throwing up ………… It’s blood! Why blood? Nurse ………. surgeon “For your case it’s normal to see some blood ………… Do you have my biopsy result? The surgeon’s face was in shock (treated me as his own sister) …… there were twenty three spots ………. among them eleven (or twelve?) came positive for sarcoma ……….. gave time to Tanmoy and the surgeon to handle the shock ………. Again vomiting ……….. blood …………… blood ……….. blood …………… is this much normal …………… No ……….. a very worried face of the surgeon ………….. thankful that the innocent face isn’t here …………… Will I be able to see him once?! ………….. March 2012, Oncologist: Two new spots. Have to watch carefully ………….”

November 10, 2012

“Ma, still you are on the laptop? Aren’t we having lunch at the hospital cafeteria? Don’t you remember it’s been one year? …………In mind, “Happy Birthday Lopa!”

November 12, 2012

After going through a hilly winding road reached at the ninth floor of a building among other buildings at the top of the hill. Sat on a table of a cafeteria full of people. Couple of times just glanced at the people nearby. Thinking, nobody is looking worried. Does it mean nobody is related to any critical patient here! Or everybody is hiding inner turmoil like this table’s people! Is it possible that there is no critical patient in this hospital today! A girl wearing hospital gown. There is no patient with some machines attached. Mizan is looking relieved. He said, “There were some nights when saw some patients attached with saline, medicine machines. Was thinking it could hurt your feelings.” Dad and son were asking if I would like to have something else, would like to try this and that etc! Made me little bit bothered. Why aren’t they understanding that I am not feeling like eating! Is it true that they aren’t understanding or is it me who isn’t understanding? Eleven nights they had to come here and had dinner. After watching me with severe pain, sleepless, attached with machines! Today they are worrying without any reason just because I am with them! Went to see the waiting room, went near the room I stayed. Deepto asked again and again if I was alright! On the way back I remembered that they had to take this road in snowy, sometimes icy or at least rainy nights! Deepto said, “Thank you both of you for bringing me here.” ………….. “I am so sorry you had, even now you are going through, these experiences just because of me.” Both said,”You don’t need to apologize for anything. If you could have less pain ………” ………… I am thinking, what else is waiting in future?!

November 29, 2012

Alaska, have to go in summer. Will go next year, by thinking like that haven’t gone this year too! Hawaii, winter is the best to visit. Thinking like that haven’t gone this year too. It’s too late to make the decision now. Deepto wants to visit Japan very much. (Maybe his parents married life started there that’s why or is it the video games and the cartoon shows!) Don’t have that much energy to travel that much, may be later ……………?! Each time go to Bangladesh I think of visiting some European countries (mainly for museums and nature). I think, should stay with parents (Mizan’s mom and my parents) for the whole time. Deepto and I don’t like Zoo. Want to see safaris in Africa. Haven’t visit the Sundarbans (largest mangrove forest of the world in Bangladesh) yet! Where should we go in the winter holidays, still thinking! But one decision has been made today! After Deepto’s birthday have to visit the hill­top again……….. Windy roads ……………. again the pain ………… severe smells ………….”Ma hold my hand…………….”………….. Haven’t seen so many things ……………… but saw green rice fields …………. blue sky…………………. Kochuripana and its flowers …………. water lilies…….. Dew drops on the kochu leafs! ……………. And seen, seeing life………..

Got the “smell of life!”………….Fight! Fight! Fight!