Thursday, April 14, 2011 at 1:26am
Deepto is in Outdoor School for three days and two nights. Each year he goes to field trips. But this is the first time for nights. He spent two nights apart from me before, once at his Aunt’s with his Dad and couple of weeks ago to a friend’s house (we know the family well) as a trial for this Outdoor School event. Other than emergency case we can’t call him. We can visit him just for dinner. We went to see him today for dinner, 40 miles away. When he saw us, his body language told us that he was embarrassed! We were the only parents from 120 children’s parents! No wonder about what he felt! All the children were looking at us! Within minutes we understood that we shouldn’t stay for dinner. I asked him if we should have dinner with him or not. He immediately replied, “I want to have dinner with my friends tonight. Tomorrow I will have dinner with you.” I said that we might not go tomorrow. He asked us to visit. Then I asked him that whether he would prefer us to join at dinner or should we go for the campfire? He immediately replied, “Campfire.”
While coming back we realized that our baby (I know he is not a baby, but he will be a baby in my mind) is growing up! Even though some people think that I am an overly concerned Mom, I felt good that he is growing up. One part of me always worries, at the same time another part of me wants him to become stronger, independent. Time to time he shows that he is stronger and even though he worries about us, especially for me because of health, at crisis he is calm like his Dad! Life itself is not easy for most of the people. I worry about him since 2006. He is growing up just having his Dad and me around him! Since he does not have siblings, he is and will be lonely! Being a very caring and sensitive person, this world will hurt him again and again! So he needs to become stronger and I know he will be!
Once he was sick and we went to the ER. The nurse was trying hard to get his vein (like Mom like son). I told him to hold my hand and squeeze as hard as the pain he was having. After couple of months later when I had the surgery on my leg, I forgot to mention that I was allergic to some medication, so when they gave me that medication I became sicker and no pain medication was working, Deepto asked me to hold his hand and squeeze it!! I looked at him and he said, “Ma, give me all of your pain.” I wanted to cry but couldn’t!! Before my surgery my surgeon did the needle biopsy and when he came back, he couldn’t look at my eyes and his face was purple (he is a white man)! And there, my six and a half years old son was asking me to give him my pain!! I was talking in mind to him, saying, “Forgive me my baby for the future pains you are going to have because of me!” At that time I was looking at his 7th birthday as a thirsty person looks at a glass of water! He is eleven now! Last summer when my oncologist called me and let me know his concerns and additional sets of testing started, I started looking at his eleventh birthday (I always look at his birthdays to get my mental strength)!
Couple of years ago while Deepto and I were coming from his school, he asked me, “Ma no
offense, because of the nature one day you will be no more with me (I guess he was reading some books, he doesn’t know about my big C), will you be watching me?” I replied, “I will always watch you no matter where I am or will be.” From his very early age he knows that there is no Santa, no tooth fairies. But this time I wanted him to believe into something which will give him some comfort, I guess!
Tomorrow we will visit him but will give him space, we will be there to let him know that we are always there for him if he needs us or not! These two nights I will have totally sleepless nights, these are the parts of being parents! I wonder how my Mom lives her life! She hasn’t seen my brothers for three years, me almost two and half years! And she is not alone!
My baby, I have to let you go to become stronger, independent! See you soon.