Smell of Life!

November 10, 2012

Just after four a.m. ……”Ma, I am going now ….. everybody is here, Deepto, Mizan, Aman, Udoy.” ………..It’s time to go”… (so quick!)…..”Could you please call my son, I want to see him …….one more time”……… once again held him by one arm (other arm is already taken by needle, saline, machines), gave kisses and smelt him (smell of life, which inspired to fight for the last five years)! ……. Telling thyself, “Just for this smell I will open my eyes” ……. An innocent face of eleven years and his smell ………. pitch dark ….dark ……. dark ….pain …….. severe …… extreme ……….. unbearable ……….. like someone was crushing the heart, lungs, respiratory tube …… crushing everything ………….. that innocent face ……….. “Ma hold my hand ……….. give me your pain” (I myself taught him this game ……… when the nurse was poking him to get his tiny vein when he had a stomach flu couple of years ago, since then it started) ……….. talked in the mind, “I will never give this pain to anyone, certainly never ever to you ……… Is there anyone called God!? ….. Never ever to this child ………. Never to anyone ….. Remember that” ….. pain …………. unbearable ……….. extreme ………….

When did come to space …………. such beautiful stars and planets ………… who are they? Don’t know them ………. Why Udoy’s face is like this? ………… Where are these beasts came from ………. Can you listen me, I am having hallucinations …………. no I will take this pain but don’t want this medication……….. Can smell be this intense!? Can smell the mint mouthwash of the nurse ……….. can smell the hair gel of the doctor ……….. smelling everything ………… smelling medicine extremely from own body ………….. where is my smell of life?! ……….. “How was your day at school” ………. Do your homework here baba …………….. Go have your dinner ……….. the innocent fell asleep on the tiny place ……….. now it’s eleven o’clock …… you guys go home …….. he has school tomorrow ………… started vomiting from midnight ……….. Udoy’s face was helpless ……… “Shall ask them to come …….. “No” ………. Udoy had to catch the flight (to return to his place) …………. Tanmoy came just after half an hour later ………… throwing up ………… It’s blood! Why blood? Nurse ………. surgeon “For your case it’s normal to see some blood ………… Do you have my biopsy result? The surgeon’s face was in shock (treated me as his own sister) …… there were twenty three spots ………. among them eleven (or twelve?) came positive for sarcoma ……….. gave time to Tanmoy and the surgeon to handle the shock ………. Again vomiting ……….. blood …………… blood ……….. blood …………… is this much normal …………… No ……….. a very worried face of the surgeon ………….. thankful that the innocent face isn’t here …………… Will I be able to see him once?! ………….. March 2012, Oncologist: Two new spots. Have to watch carefully ………….”

November 10, 2012

“Ma, still you are on the laptop? Aren’t we having lunch at the hospital cafeteria? Don’t you remember it’s been one year? …………In mind, “Happy Birthday Lopa!”

November 12, 2012

After going through a hilly winding road reached at the ninth floor of a building among other buildings at the top of the hill. Sat on a table of a cafeteria full of people. Couple of times just glanced at the people nearby. Thinking, nobody is looking worried. Does it mean nobody is related to any critical patient here! Or everybody is hiding inner turmoil like this table’s people! Is it possible that there is no critical patient in this hospital today! A girl wearing hospital gown. There is no patient with some machines attached. Mizan is looking relieved. He said, “There were some nights when saw some patients attached with saline, medicine machines. Was thinking it could hurt your feelings.” Dad and son were asking if I would like to have something else, would like to try this and that etc! Made me little bit bothered. Why aren’t they understanding that I am not feeling like eating! Is it true that they aren’t understanding or is it me who isn’t understanding? Eleven nights they had to come here and had dinner. After watching me with severe pain, sleepless, attached with machines! Today they are worrying without any reason just because I am with them! Went to see the waiting room, went near the room I stayed. Deepto asked again and again if I was alright! On the way back I remembered that they had to take this road in snowy, sometimes icy or at least rainy nights! Deepto said, “Thank you both of you for bringing me here.” ………….. “I am so sorry you had, even now you are going through, these experiences just because of me.” Both said,”You don’t need to apologize for anything. If you could have less pain ………” ………… I am thinking, what else is waiting in future?!

November 29, 2012

Alaska, have to go in summer. Will go next year, by thinking like that haven’t gone this year too! Hawaii, winter is the best to visit. Thinking like that haven’t gone this year too. It’s too late to make the decision now. Deepto wants to visit Japan very much. (Maybe his parents married life started there that’s why or is it the video games and the cartoon shows!) Don’t have that much energy to travel that much, may be later ……………?! Each time go to Bangladesh I think of visiting some European countries (mainly for museums and nature). I think, should stay with parents (Mizan’s mom and my parents) for the whole time. Deepto and I don’t like Zoo. Want to see safaris in Africa. Haven’t visit the Sundarbans (largest mangrove forest of the world in Bangladesh) yet! Where should we go in the winter holidays, still thinking! But one decision has been made today! After Deepto’s birthday have to visit the hill­top again……….. Windy roads ……………. again the pain ………… severe smells ………….”Ma hold my hand…………….”………….. Haven’t seen so many things ……………… but saw green rice fields …………. blue sky…………………. Kochuripana and its flowers …………. water lilies…….. Dew drops on the kochu leafs! ……………. And seen, seeing life………..

Got the “smell of life!”………….Fight! Fight! Fight!

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s