February 13, 2014 at 11:18pm
A short while ago a figure skater fell down as if couldn’t stand up again! After few seconds stood up and finished the routine, beautifully! Immediately I said, life is like that. Falling down, getting hurt, and standing up. Standing up is the main thing. The skater may not get any place in the competition but everybody watched that the person who might not stand up not only stood up but finished the program!
Don’t know why I remember some moments of my first lung surgery. One night the nurse gave me wrong injection, I was feeling like having a heart attack, and then I screamed to call a doctor and how I wanted to live! After two nights of that, I had hallucinations and severe pain; I passed out (which everybody thought I was sleeping!), it went on for eleven hours because of another RN’s stubbornness! I fought and said you are making a mistake. After eleven hours, early in the morning I denied to push the button for pain medication while having severe pain! When my surgeon came he realized what had happened! At that night Mizan and Udoy also didn’t understand me! They were listening to the RN! Everybody needs to know that the patient knows the body better! Doctors, nurses can guess but they may not be correct all the time. The world of medicine relies on statistics. This medicine helps that many people, or that medicine can cause these many side effects etc. But many things can happen other than these. Those doctors who are really good listen to the patients. My previous G.I. said that every doctor works by knowing things but it takes twenty years to learn to listen to the patients!
On the eighth day I started vomiting blood. Maybe for the blood thinner! It took hours to stop. I thought I was going to die. I came to know my biopsy result during that time! I knew that sarcoma went to my both lungs. I was thinking that am I going to die without seeing Mizan and Deepto? Mizan came but Deepto was at school. I was thinking that is there any time to bring Deepto? Then thought that I have to live until he comes. After the vomiting stopped I decided that Deepto shouldn’t come on that day. He was dropped off to Arnob’s house by a friend after the school. I didn’t want him to see his mom’s such sufferings. Because any time I might be starting vomiting again. Also I was preparing myself to tell him about my cancer fight! Until then he didn’t know the big “C”! I told him after one and a half month. Started by saying that, “Storms comes in life, but you have to stand up no matter what ………….
Several days ago Deepto said, “Ma, sorry I overheard you saying to someone, if I were eighteen plus you wouldn’t go through the lungs surgery for the second time, what it means? You would die?” I could only say, “The pain and sufferings were so much for the first time that’s why I said it. And you know that many medications can’t help me.”
Each time I go through CT scan and think, “Should I be able ……….. May be at a point wouldn’t be able…………………. But the fight must go on ………………..”
February 10, 2014 at 11:42am
On Thursday school closed early. Parents picked up children in a hurry. Children were very happy to get a snow day. Deepto was too. On Friday weather got worse. From afternoon he got worried about Saturday’s birthday party. He checked weather updates frequently. Whole day blizzard went on. Next morning he was sad and asked again and again what would happen? I asked Mizan to pick up the cake, pizza (last night they said they wouldn’t deliver it) and make a judgement to ask people to come or not. After a while heard dad and son were talking in a surprised voice while looking through the window! Deepto said with total surprise, “Ma! Arnob is coming! He is walking!” He is Deepto’s best friend since one. Their house isn’t too far. But the roads are hilly and there is no side-walk at some place. He walked this road in this weather! He assured us by saying, “I am wearing many layers.” Four layers on bottom and six layers on top! Right at that moment I decided not to cancel the party. Arnob and Deepto started to clean the drive way with great enthusiasm. Mizan went to pick up the cake and pizza. After getting his call I asked others to come.
Seventeen people came in this weather! Until they reach home safely my tension, worry won’t go away! Sabita (Arnob’s mom) suddenly said, “Lopa’s book is coming out.” Others looked at me. One person said, “Good.” Again Sabita said, “We should have a party for this.”
A person said, “Invite Sheikh Hasina (PM of Bangladesh) for it”. I just looked at that person and thought that how easily someone can hurt someone without any reason! These people don’t know whether I can write or not. If they think I can’t, still people would normally show nice gesture. Especially when know each other for many years! In my life many hurt me visibly or silently without any reason. Still do. I am teaching Deepto that if he can’t protest against wrong doings to him, he can’t protest for others. I didn’t learn to protest when I was young. But my self-consciousness was always there. I protested silently then. If someone neglects or ignores me, I just stay away. If those people understand their fault, I act like nothing happened. And those who don’t understand I don’t remind them.
February 7, 2014 at 11:14am
My youngest brother and his family came to visit in the winter break. The toddler kept all of us entertained! Memories of Deepto’s early age was flashing back! I think intentionally I stay away from those! After they went I was very sick. Days after days Mizan and I had a very bad cold. Those who have never seen me coughing wouldn’t understand how bad it turns out when I have a cold and cough. I had so much pain in my ribcage and the area of my back where the cuts are, it seemed like I was recovering from lungs surgery again. One day among these Deepto had a fever of 103 degree for two days. Baba and son are doing OK now. I am still coughing but little bit better. The reason I am saying this is that life didn’t stop, it still goes on. Deepto did homework, class tests, finals, and science fair project report while having both parents having very bad cold. And did great.
Friend Aireen came to visit. She stayed for two days and three nights. Spent time with her while coughing. Thinking Deepto’s birthday party, which is limited to his close friends and their families, have to be arranged without any preparation. From yesterday blizzard started which is not normal here at this time of the year. Deepto was worried about that if his birthday party gets cancelled! Last time it was just before my second lungs surgery. While cooking thought that next time wouldn’t be able to cook. Now it’s happening! It will be a pizza party. To not feel guilty will cook a dish (Halim)! Bangladeshi people cook so many items for a party which I don’t even when I am not this sick. I always have a sense of limitations since my early ages. And now life taught me minimization by slapping around!