March 17, 2014

One day, as a part of rules of the oncologist’s office I had to talk to a counselor. She was younger than me. After we talked she said, “I have nothing to say to you! You know everything. Your talk, thoughts telling me that you don’t need my counselling. Still if you feel like it you can come always.” I had to take thirty-five days of radiation therapy for seven weeks. I had to walk in front of her office each day and she smiled and I smiled back. Probably at the very first day she knew that I wouldn’t go to visit her! I had to go to another counselor as the rules of my other oncologist (regular one) for once. She also told me that I knew everything. I didn’t go to any other counselors except these first two appointments. I myself gave counseling to many people even though I have no degree in this field! People like to talk, express themselves to me, don’t know why! Once one of my friends told me that I studied in the wrong field!

In this country most of the people say that children should know about their parent’s cancer fight. I knew it but still didn’t tell Deepto for years. I wanted to tell him little bit later. But I had to tell him on 10th December of 2011. At that day his world has changed. Now I am counseling my own son for two years and two months! I told him that we could go to a professional counselor whenever he feels like it. Each time he said he doesn’t need it. He said that talking to me works. Whenever he talks, expresses his thoughts I get an outer body feeling! Feel like listening to other people’s children! Don’t get emotional. Don’t go in there. The way a counselor would talk, I try to do the same. I didn’t know that I have this power! I am the cause of the pain. Yet I have to tell him to get up each time, be strong, nothing could stop him etc., I don’t know how I do it! Each time think, what would have to be so wrong to the nature if I had some more years to tell him! ……………….. Tomorrow is another judgement day


February 25, 2014

After I started my cancer fight in 2006, my brother sent a web link. It was Randy Pausch’s “Last Lecture.” After several days watched the video, program with him. Bought his book within days. Couldn’t be able to read the book yet! Video and the book are the same. Still couldn’t read after one or two pages. He was diagnosed in 2006, near the time I was diagnosed. He was a very busy person, exercised regularly but got the rare and incurable cancer. He was the father of three young children. His elder son is little bit younger than Deepto. His youngest and only daughter is just eighteen months old! When he was diagnosed, I think the baby girl was just around six months old! I still remember he took his daughter on his palm and holding her with the other hand in the sea beach during dusk! That scenario still makes me cry!

In 2007 (or the beginning of 2008?) Randy Pausch passed away. I still remember his three children. Still remember about Elizabeth Edwards! How much she suffered in life! She lost his first son, tried to stand up from it, had two more children at a risky age, she got cheated by his high school sweetheart husband while battling with cancer! Why people’s life is like this! Some people get endless fights! It seem like waves of the ocean! Keeps coming… Remember her two youngest children! So many known and unknown people… so many children, teenagers… Came to know a known person’s mental preparation (by her and the family) to die make me wonder, someday I shall have to…

On 21st I forgot the anniversary of my second lung surgery. There was an art competition at the Bangla School. I volunteered and ran the previous Bangla School here. When kids became very busy, would rather say parents became very busy, I had to discontinue the school. The new school is running good by some very active people. Even I was not feeling good, I took Deepto to the competition. He participated in the competition last year while I was in the hospital. In the evening went to eat outside. These days Mizan mainly takes take away food when we eat outside food. Since I don’t feel good these days. In those days when I say that I could go outside to eat, father and son understands that today is a little bit of different day! Deepto looked emotional while eating and said he is growing up so fast! While at bedtime he said, he gets flashbacks of my two lung surgeries! At the Bangla School he was remembering those days. I felt so guilty. Said sorry again and again. I shouldn’t have brought him there. He said it was OK. He said that until 2011 he thought that his life was “normal”. He thanked us that we could hide my cancer fight so well until then. Had to tell him on 31st of December of 2011. After that day 
his life has changed! He thanked us for not telling him before that, he got a normal childhood for it! Again he said, he couldn’t handle it if we said it to him at his six and half years of age (when I was first diagnosed).

I could only say, I wish I could hide it some more years! But life demanded it to come out…He said that he is feeling like crying, he needs to cry. I always tell him, it’s OK to cry. He doesn’t cry usually. He put his head on my lap and cried! I could only comb through my fingers in his hair and wished he could sleep! Nobody could ease his pain! Thought that if he sleeps, the time of suffering would be less! No I didn’t have tears in my eyes! I didn’t have any anger, sorrow, pain in my mind! Only I wished that I could be able to be there for him to soothe him… nothing more than that…. and could watch the sunset with the lifelong friend for some more years to come…