I want rain!


April 6, 2014 at 1:27 am


Last evening Mizan told me that his boss’s wife passed away. Last year she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Deepto’s PCP was diagnosed with the same last year. She went through treatment for the second time within a year. Then she quit the job. It doesn’t sound good! Want to know how she is doing but I am scared to ask! Also want to know about her son who was diagnosed with brain tumor around the time I was diagnosed with sarcoma. I was feeling sad for the whole day, after reading about a child’s life story from another part of the world. His beautiful face kept me captivated for the whole day, still is. In the afternoon talked to a mother of two special needs children. She is such a fighter! I always salute these people in my mind. She told me that children of her acquaintances bullies her children! When she told them about it they misbehaved with her! I wonder how shallow people could be of my ethnicity! If highly educated people are like this, what’s wrong with uneducated people!

This afternoon went to an appointment. It seems like spring came and went back. Sky is cloudy, sometimes it’s drizzling. The cloud seemed like the pain on my chest, sorrow of my mind! Once felt suffocated. On the way can see the cancer center where I go. In my mind, don’t want to come here before September for the regular check up! Even though I have to go to the breathing specialist. Listened to Shuvomita’s song which I always do in the car. One of the songs is, “I want rain …….” Nobody here wants rain now! Neither do I. At the same time I was looking for it! My pain might be less if my tears can be dropped as rain!

Tears!


April 3, 2014 at 4:47pm

Yesterday shared a post on Facebook about terminally ill (cancer) father and his eleven years old daughter. The dad wouldn’t walk her the aisle. A photographer staged the occasion and took pictures. The pictures were so touchy, couldn’t look at all! There were many comments below the Yahoo news. Tried to read one or two and then stopped. Nobody can have parents forever. But those who lost them at earlier age, can’t feel their pain but try to understand it. Think most of them become introvert about their feelings. Seeing Mizan like this. The dad in the story is sixty-one. This is not that old age. But have seen and known so many younger parents left their children that make me think people who have children at older age have a big chance to not see many things of their children’s life. Don’t feel little bit more who left at an early age?! Once Mizan showed me (someone shared in e­mail) a little girl asking God to stop making babies, keep the existing people alive! No we need babies. But will it be a great loss to not have untimely deaths!

Someone told me a news story about a cancer fighter. Leaving a very young daughter she recorded video messages to her daughter’s birthdays! No I couldn’t be that brave! I am trying to be a “normal” mother! I don’t spare to correct my son of any mistake he makes! Each time I teach him what not to do and what to do. Life doesn’t spare anyone. It wouldn’t my son too! Don’t do anything too much. This year he didn’t even get a new shirt! Each year try to do this only. For the last two years he is shopping with his dad only. Because most of the time I am sick, not feeling well. I made myself to understand that he is being getting trained! Now he knows what to buy. Interestingly his likings are similar!


Yesterday one of my cousins sent some pictures of my dad. Political Science department of Rajshahi University had fiftieth anniversary. He is very sick. But his students wanted him there. Don’t know how my mom took him there. I wouldn’t do that. Many people use Skype to talk to near ones living far. I don’t. When one of my brothers went to visit my parents in January, I used it. Not for long. My dad’s health has deteriorated so much! Can’t hear his voice. The pale voice which I used to hear can’t hear it now. Don’t want him over the phone to talk. The I who shed tears after reading the Yahoo news that I shed no tears while watching my dad’s student’s shedding tears for him!


At this year’s science fair when Deepto’s name was announced, he got the first place in his category, I only said, “Oh God!” Don’t know why. While he was doing the project Mizan and I were very sick with cold. Mizan got better. But I suffered very much for two months. Deepto did everything! His dad helped him that much what he is supposed to do. People would follow honor code, we believe in that. It’s not about getting any place, it’s all about learning. At our house not only following the law is important but also ethics is also equally important. Like last year I might not go there. Try to avoid crowd, for the fear of getting germs. That evening wanted to go to Ustad Zakir Hussain and Masters of Percussion concert. How would I not go to my son’s science fair award ceremony at the same evening! Got the experience of hearing own son’s name from several hundreds of students! I didn’t know anything about his project or even the category! I know nothing about his studies. Only ask if he has done homework or not, have any class test etc. I know I am a strange mother! His dad looks after his studies. I don’t believe in excessive involvement. I look after other issues.

I used to go to all of his piano recitals. Last year missed one! Used to go to each of his swim classes (his dad takes him) and kept eyes on him each moment. Teachers, lifeguards were there. But what if they missed him among other children and he……….. With that thinking I watched him for! For the last two summers I couldn’t go to any swim classes! When he learnt Tae Kwon Do, I used to take him. Later when my health got deteriorated and his classes were in the evening, his dad took him there. But didn’t miss the belt tests. I didn’t think of not going to any of his these classes for some time. Now if I can go I feel happy; if I can’t, I think that at least he is doing these and I am knowing it ­­that is the main thing! He will finish middle school soon. Many parents and students are also talking about which classes they are going to take. I am only wanting that he can go to the school that he wants. Most people think what and where their children would study after high school. I only think, want to know………………..

Counseling!

March 17, 2014

One day, as a part of rules of the oncologist’s office I had to talk to a counselor. She was younger than me. After we talked she said, “I have nothing to say to you! You know everything. Your talk, thoughts telling me that you don’t need my counselling. Still if you feel like it you can come always.” I had to take thirty-five days of radiation therapy for seven weeks. I had to walk in front of her office each day and she smiled and I smiled back. Probably at the very first day she knew that I wouldn’t go to visit her! I had to go to another counselor as the rules of my other oncologist (regular one) for once. She also told me that I knew everything. I didn’t go to any other counselors except these first two appointments. I myself gave counseling to many people even though I have no degree in this field! People like to talk, express themselves to me, don’t know why! Once one of my friends told me that I studied in the wrong field!


In this country most of the people say that children should know about their parent’s cancer fight. I knew it but still didn’t tell Deepto for years. I wanted to tell him little bit later. But I had to tell him on 10th December of 2011. At that day his world has changed. Now I am counseling my own son for two years and two months! I told him that we could go to a professional counselor whenever he feels like it. Each time he said he doesn’t need it. He said that talking to me works. Whenever he talks, expresses his thoughts I get an outer body feeling! Feel like listening to other people’s children! Don’t get emotional. Don’t go in there. The way a counselor would talk, I try to do the same. I didn’t know that I have this power! I am the cause of the pain. Yet I have to tell him to get up each time, be strong, nothing could stop him etc., I don’t know how I do it! Each time think, what would have to be so wrong to the nature if I had some more years to tell him! ……………….. Tomorrow is another judgement day

Memories!

February 25, 2014

After I started my cancer fight in 2006, my brother sent a web link. It was Randy Pausch’s “Last Lecture.” After several days watched the video, program with him. Bought his book within days. Couldn’t be able to read the book yet! Video and the book are the same. Still couldn’t read after one or two pages. He was diagnosed in 2006, near the time I was diagnosed. He was a very busy person, exercised regularly but got the rare and incurable cancer. He was the father of three young children. His elder son is little bit younger than Deepto. His youngest and only daughter is just eighteen months old! When he was diagnosed, I think the baby girl was just around six months old! I still remember he took his daughter on his palm and holding her with the other hand in the sea beach during dusk! That scenario still makes me cry!


In 2007 (or the beginning of 2008?) Randy Pausch passed away. I still remember his three children. Still remember about Elizabeth Edwards! How much she suffered in life! She lost his first son, tried to stand up from it, had two more children at a risky age, she got cheated by his high school sweetheart husband while battling with cancer! Why people’s life is like this! Some people get endless fights! It seem like waves of the ocean! Keeps coming… Remember her two youngest children! So many known and unknown people… so many children, teenagers… Came to know a known person’s mental preparation (by her and the family) to die make me wonder, someday I shall have to…


On 21st I forgot the anniversary of my second lung surgery. There was an art competition at the Bangla School. I volunteered and ran the previous Bangla School here. When kids became very busy, would rather say parents became very busy, I had to discontinue the school. The new school is running good by some very active people. Even I was not feeling good, I took Deepto to the competition. He participated in the competition last year while I was in the hospital. In the evening went to eat outside. These days Mizan mainly takes take away food when we eat outside food. Since I don’t feel good these days. In those days when I say that I could go outside to eat, father and son understands that today is a little bit of different day! Deepto looked emotional while eating and said he is growing up so fast! While at bedtime he said, he gets flashbacks of my two lung surgeries! At the Bangla School he was remembering those days. I felt so guilty. Said sorry again and again. I shouldn’t have brought him there. He said it was OK. He said that until 2011 he thought that his life was “normal”. He thanked us that we could hide my cancer fight so well until then. Had to tell him on 31st of December of 2011. After that day 
his life has changed! He thanked us for not telling him before that, he got a normal childhood for it! Again he said, he couldn’t handle it if we said it to him at his six and half years of age (when I was first diagnosed).


I could only say, I wish I could hide it some more years! But life demanded it to come out…He said that he is feeling like crying, he needs to cry. I always tell him, it’s OK to cry. He doesn’t cry usually. He put his head on my lap and cried! I could only comb through my fingers in his hair and wished he could sleep! Nobody could ease his pain! Thought that if he sleeps, the time of suffering would be less! No I didn’t have tears in my eyes! I didn’t have any anger, sorrow, pain in my mind! Only I wished that I could be able to be there for him to soothe him… nothing more than that…. and could watch the sunset with the lifelong friend for some more years to come…

Stand up!


February 13, 2014 at 11:18pm

A short while ago a figure skater fell down as if couldn’t stand up again! After few seconds stood up and finished the routine, beautifully! Immediately I said, life is like that. Falling down, getting hurt, and standing up. Standing up is the main thing. The skater may not get any place in the competition but everybody watched that the person who might not stand up not only stood up but finished the program!

Don’t know why I remember some moments of my first lung surgery. One night the nurse gave me wrong injection, I was feeling like having a heart attack, and then I screamed to call a doctor and how I wanted to live! After two nights of that, I had hallucinations and severe pain; I passed out (which everybody thought I was sleeping!), it went on for eleven hours because of another RN’s stubbornness! I fought and said you are making a mistake. After eleven hours, early in the morning I denied to push the button for pain medication while having severe pain! When my surgeon came he realized what had happened! At that night Mizan and Udoy also didn’t understand me! They were listening to the RN! Everybody needs to know that the patient knows the body better! Doctors, nurses can guess but they may not be correct all the time. The world of medicine relies on statistics. This medicine helps that many people, or that medicine can cause these many side effects etc. But many things can happen other than these. Those doctors who are really good listen to the patients. My previous G.I. said that every doctor works by knowing things but it takes twenty years to learn to listen to the patients!


On the eighth day I started vomiting blood. Maybe for the blood thinner! It took hours to stop. I thought I was going to die. I came to know my biopsy result during that time! I knew that sarcoma went to my both lungs. I was thinking that am I going to die without seeing Mizan and Deepto? Mizan came but Deepto was at school. I was thinking that is there any time to bring Deepto? Then thought that I have to live until he comes. After the vomiting stopped I decided that Deepto shouldn’t come on that day. He was dropped off to Arnob’s house by a friend after the school. I didn’t want him to see his mom’s such sufferings. Because any time I might be starting vomiting again. Also I was preparing myself to tell him about my cancer fight! Until then he didn’t know the big “C”! I told him after one and a half month. Started by saying that, “Storms comes in life, but you have to stand up no matter what ………….

Several days ago Deepto said, “Ma, sorry I overheard you saying to someone, if I were eighteen plus you wouldn’t go through the lungs surgery for the second time, what it means? You would die?” I could only say, “The pain and sufferings were so much for the first time that’s why I said it. And you know that many medications can’t help me.”

Each time I go through CT scan and think, “Should I be able ……….. May be at a point wouldn’t be able…………………. But the fight must go on ………………..”

Humiliation!


February 10, 2014 at 11:42am

On Thursday school closed early. Parents picked up children in a hurry. Children were very happy to get a snow day. Deepto was too. On Friday weather got worse. From afternoon he got worried about Saturday’s birthday party. He checked weather updates frequently. Whole day blizzard went on. Next morning he was sad and asked again and again what would happen? I asked Mizan to pick up the cake, pizza (last night they said they wouldn’t deliver it) and make a judgement to ask people to come or not. After a while heard dad and son were talking in a surprised voice while looking through the window! Deepto said with total surprise, “Ma! Arnob is coming! He is walking!” He is Deepto’s best friend since one. Their house isn’t too far. But the roads are hilly and there is no side-­walk at some place. He walked this road in this weather! He assured us by saying, “I am wearing many layers.” Four layers on bottom and six layers on top! Right at that moment I decided not to cancel the party. Arnob and Deepto started to clean the drive way with great enthusiasm. Mizan went to pick up the cake and pizza. After getting his call I asked others to come.


Seventeen people came in this weather! Until they reach home safely my tension, worry won’t go away! Sabita (Arnob’s mom) suddenly said, “Lopa’s book is coming out.” Others looked at me. One person said, “Good.” Again Sabita said, “We should have a party for this.”


A person said, “Invite Sheikh Hasina (PM of Bangladesh) for it”. I just looked at that person and thought that how easily someone can hurt someone without any reason! These people don’t know whether I can write or not. If they think I can’t, still people would normally show nice gesture. Especially when know each other for many years! In my life many hurt me visibly or silently without any reason. Still do. I am teaching Deepto that if he can’t protest against wrong doings to him, he can’t protest for others. I didn’t learn to protest when I was young. But my self­-consciousness was always there. I protested silently then. If someone neglects or ignores me, I just stay away. If those people understand their fault, I act like nothing happened. And those who don’t understand I don’t remind them.

Stories of ordinary life!

February 7, 2014 at 11:14am

My youngest brother and his family came to visit in the winter break. The toddler kept all of us entertained! Memories of Deepto’s early age was flashing back! I think intentionally I stay away from those! After they went I was very sick. Days after days Mizan and I had a very bad cold. Those who have never seen me coughing wouldn’t understand how bad it turns out when I have a cold and cough. I had so much pain in my ribcage and the area of my back where the cuts are, it seemed like I was recovering from lungs surgery again. One day among these Deepto had a fever of 103 degree for two days. Baba and son are doing OK now. I am still coughing but little bit better. The reason I am saying this is that life didn’t stop, it still goes on. Deepto did homework, class tests, finals, and science fair project report while having both parents having very bad cold. And did great.

Friend Aireen came to visit. She stayed for two days and three nights. Spent time with her while coughing. Thinking Deepto’s birthday party, which is limited to his close friends and their families, have to be arranged without any preparation. From yesterday blizzard started which is not normal here at this time of the year. Deepto was worried about that if his birthday party gets cancelled! Last time it was just before my second lungs surgery. While cooking thought that next time wouldn’t be able to cook. Now it’s happening! It will be a pizza party. To not feel guilty will cook a dish (Halim)! Bangladeshi people cook so many items for a party which I don’t even when I am not this sick. I always have a sense of limitations since my early ages. And now life taught me minimization by slapping around!